It has taken me most of the day to come to grips on what happened over the past few days. This morning I had to put my kitty, Calvin, to sleep and I was absolutely devastated that I had to make such a choice.
Over the past two weeks he ate very little of his food so he started losing weight at an alarming rate. I thought maybe it was the heat or he didn't like his food anymore so I bought a different kind hoping he would gain the weight back. Unfortunately, he stopped eating all together. He would only eat grass, when we let him outside, and kitty treats; hardly anything to sustain any real nutrition. We knew something more serious was wrong with him. I started calling clinics in the area and they were all booked solid for at least two weeks, the reason I have no idea but 2020 seems to be the year in which everything bad happens and you have no control over it. I felt helpless.
Monday, I sat in an emergency parking lot waiting for our turn but was turned away do to emergency surgeries and long wait times. I got really anxious. I knew he was silently suffering. Last night, I could not sleep so I woke Ben up around 2 a.m. so we could call the other 24 hour clinic in the area because I HAD to know what was wrong with him Olympia Veterinary Specialists in downtown Olympia were the only people that would let us take him in to let them assess him. We were so grateful. We loaded him up in the cat carrier and off we went. We sat in the parking lot and talked to two different people including the doctor. She dais that they would assess him and then do diagnostics in the morning since they were at full capacity. I paid the deposit and left him there with them which I really hated I had to do that. Ben and I went home and tried going to bed. I tossed and turned all night long worrying about what the verdict was going to be.
The next morning we got up, we were usually greeted in the morning by Calvin letting us know he was hungry, but not today. I missed that. I missed him sitting on my head above my pillow like a hat waiting for me to get up. I went out to the living room to start work and Ben got ready and left to go to work. He said to keep him posted. It was sure lonely in the house by myself.
Around 7:45 a.m. the doctor from the clinic called to let me know what they found out from the tests. She said she gave him some medication to keep him stable and comfortable over night because he was having a hard time breathing. She continued to tell me that his glucose was high but they expected it to be, his liver was fine, cell count was normal, no heart failure, negative for feline infection or disease. There was no blood in his lungs or stomach but there was so fluid in his lungs and stomach. The x-rays they took showed signs of cancer his chest in the form of little nodules. She added that he was on oxygen because he had a shortness of breath. He wasn't taking deep breathes but short quick ones.
My heart sank.
She gave me several options of what I could do. I knew if we brought him home he wouldn't have a very good quality of life and it would be cruel and selfish of us to do that to him. I knew he was an older cat so any form of cancer treatment wouldn't make any sense, especially in his current state and his breathing situation. So I picked the most logical choice even though I didn't want to. I asked about the procedure and what would happed after. She explained them to me very professionally. She asked what I wanted to do afterwards and I chose to have him cremated with a paw print to remember him by. She said she would let the receptionists know and to call them when we got there.
I immediately lost my mind. I literally called my coworkers and told them that I had to leave. My brain wouldn't work coherently so everything I said probably sounded weird on the other side of the phone. They understood. After working for about an hour I logged off and called Ben, Mom and Dad and told them what was going on. I cried. I was in a daze. I had to put my cat to sleep. I was hoping this wasn't real and a cruel dream.
Ben came home from work and we drove down there. We sat in the parking lot, paid more money and waited for someone to come get us and take us to a room. We went through the side door and into exam room 2. We waited a few minutes and then they rolled him in on a cat gurney for us to spend as much time with him as we could. He was scared but glad to see his people. I'm sure he wondered why he was there and what was going on. It was so hard not to cry. I didn't want to do this to him but we had to. We had to give him a peaceful passing because it was the right thing to do. He will not be silently suffering anymore. We gave him tons of hugs and kisses. We told him it would be alright and that we loved him. We told him he is a good cat and we were glad that we were the ones that got to take care of him and love him.
We pressed the button to let someone know that it was time. The doctor came in and explained the procedure. We held him, loved him and talked to him until he wasn't with us anymore. The hardest part was feeling him pass away and the realization that he wasn't with us anymore. I cried harder. This was so hard to deal with. This is THE worst thing I've ever had to do in my life. We petted him some more while the doctor told us what happened next. She handed me his cat carrier and on the top was a piece of masking tape with his name written on it with black permanent marker. She wheeled his body down the hall. I stood there knowing that this was the last time I would ever see him and it hurt so much. That sight will haunt me for the rest of my life. I'm sorry Calvin.
It was difficult to come home to an empty house without a cat in it. A cat that I have loved over the past 12 years, probably the most difficult 12 years of my life. He was there loving me back unconditionally. There was no cute face peeking around the corner saying, oh hey guys. There will be no more lap sits, no more window sunning, more more weird noises coming from the hallway, no more head sits in bed, no more Calvin snuggles and loves. August has not been too kind to me or my family over the years and this year was no different.
I appreciate everyone who followed and are fans of my post about my cat. Calvin was very loved and lived a great life.
I miss you Calvin.
Next Adventure: Grandpa's 85th Birthday Party
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